In order to determine whether your partner is emotionally unavailable, first one must understand what an emotionally available individual looks like. Usually, he or she is interested in your feelings, fears and passions. An available person is open and honest, and isn’t scared of commitment. They don’t feel the need to lie or hide.
Your relationship shouldn’t have you walking on eggshells around your partner or trying desperately to decode their behavior for a clear message. In a healthy relationship, there are no mixed signals or broken promises.
If these previous statements describe your significant other, you might want to put a ring on it right away! Otherwise, you might be involved with an EUP.
Many people are attracted to or involved with EUPs and don’t even realize it. Often it occurs because of strong sexual chemistry or a desire on our part to nurture or feel maternal, thus attracting emotionally needy people. Once involved, we get caught up in the storm of intense ups and down, tolerating behaviors we never would in a friend or family member. However, while temporarily exciting, a relationship with an EUP is barely tolerable on a long-term basis.
Take a good, honest look at your partner and his or her behavior. Try and determine whether they are truly ready or capable of commitment and intimacy. If you live long enough, you’ll realize that not everyone you love is a worthy candidate for that love and a good option for a life partner. We all fall for people who are toxic or simply not right for us, as frustrating as that can be.
Here is a list of red flag qualities that can help alert you to your partner’s EUP status:
1. Constant games of tug-of-war, pulling closer and then pushing back in terms of intimacy
2. Already married or in a parallel relationship other than yours
3. Refusal to commit or severe trauma regarding past commitments
4. Frequent broken promises, changed plans and general unreliability
5. General distance, and a lack of intimacy and sharing of personal information and/or feelings
6. Focus on sex rather than interpersonal relationship
7. Intense selfishness or even narcissism, manifested in a lack of interest in your needs and desires
8. A preference for long-distance relationships, virtual communication, or group situations rather than face-to-face, intimate contact
9. Sneakiness, with periods of disappearing and subsequent excuses of tiredness or over-working
10. Alcoholism, drug-use, sex-addiction, or abusive (either physically or emotionally/verbally)
We’ve all watched our friends struggle to hold on to an emotionally unavailable person, having fallen under their spell. Most of us don’t intentionally enter into this situation, but only realize we’ve been caught up in a toxic relationship once it’s already too late. Often, we are subconsciously drawn to people who are “hard to get” or offer a promise of challenge or high-drama.
Even unavailable people themselves most often do not choose to be so emotionally crippled. Their state is usually the unconscious result of a past trauma, leaving them utterly afraid of commitment or vulnerability.
Once we’ve experienced true love, the harsh reality of an EUP becomes clear. Unfortunately, it’s much easier to see when we have the benefit of hindsight. Try to look objectively at all of your relationships, and see whether you can identify any toxic EUP individuals around you. Do your best to minimize interaction with these people, so you can prevent uncomfortable situations and avoid repeating past mistakes.